And Life's like this
by sherlocked.kudo07
Summary: when you think IF ONLY you could forget the one person whom you would not want in your life again... not because you hate him... but because he totaly messes up your poker face? But you end up falling for him again... what happens next...? read to find out...
1. Is This The End or?

It was a regular evening and I was online chatting with one of my friends. I was a bit down. Now, you may or may not ask why, but I guess I will tell you anyway. Well, I was stuck in one of those times when you reflect upon something and you feel dejected because of something you did. It's not so easy to forget about such things specially if you yourself can't muster the courage to forgive yourself.

Okay, I know I may sound like a total creep to some of you right now… but trust me. Everyone has one of those times when they want to apologise to everyone they hurt.

Therefore, here I was reciting my guilt tale to my friend who was convinced that it was not my fault and that whatever had happened was subject to the then circumstances. However, I was convinced for it being my fault and I wanted to apologise to that boy whom I had hurt.

Now, you all may be a bit confused so as to whatever had I done that I was so upset. So, allow me to explain from the start. It was like this.

It had happened over a year ago. I had for the first time in my life, become the best friend of a boy. It was nothing like a girlfriend – boyfriend sort of relationship, however, it was beautiful. We texted each other a lot and passed chits, discussed about studies and so many other things. It was all like a dream, too good to be true. However, it did not end there. One day, when we were chatting, I happened to tease him about liking someone from our class. He kept denying until the point until I gave him one of my friendly ultimatums and he had to reveal the name. I had never thought that that one revelation would change my life.

The name he said was mine. Oh boy! Imagine how I felt! However, I knew we were best friends, so I could not even think about hurting him. Moreover, when I thought about it, I realised I did not have any problem in accepting his proposal. So, I said yes. Well, it was my first time and probably his too.

However, nothing much changed. It was pretty much like before. Both of us had busy schedules and it was almost impossible to meet anywhere other than school. We did text late night. In addition, we would end up yawning in school.

It was like a midnight summer's dream. It had to end some day and it did. It ended the day I did something stupid.

He had just told one of his best friends about us and that best friend of his was the boyfriend of one of my friends. I had not told anyone about this yet. In a way, I was not ready I guess. Nevertheless, I was serious about dating him.

Then everybody knew that we were together, while I knew nothing about him or her knowing about this. One day, one of my friends accidently let it slip that she knew. Now, its not just knowing because when people don't know the entire story, they make their own stories.

When a trust breaks, it pains a lot. And he had not done anything wrong. But the only thing that hurt me was he had broken my trust. No, not by telling his best friend but by not telling me that he had told him and that everyone else knew as well.

Believe me; this was all new to me. And I just could not take it. So, I snapped at him. I told him I was very angry with him. However, the truth was I was just very scared. Hiding my anxieties behind this mask of anger, it was painful. I did not tell him though. I did not want to hurt him. However, all of this resulted in me hurting him badly.

I did apologise after that many times but never told him why I had reacted that way. You see, he is the type of guy who would end up blaming himself for everything, in case, I had told him everything. Recently, I told him about how I was extremely sorry for what had happened. But since our examinations in school were going on, he said he would reply after the examinations were over.

However, you see some blunders have no punishment and some have no forgiveness. I wanted to know which this was. Overtime, the guilt had piled up in me to such a level that I just could not even look him in the eye. And hence, this was necessary. To be able to move on… was the only way to save myself from this guilt. However, it was not so easy to move on without knowing how he felt about whatever happened back then.

Oh! And, in case you were wondering? We broke up soon after that but that was not because of this. It was simply because none of us could concentrate on our studies while we were together. Even so, I still like him. However, I don't think I can ever muster the courage to tell him that. Therefore, I will not. Not at least, until everything is sorted out.

But, the question still remains. Is this the end for us or will this night end to show us the dawn of hope? Honestly speaking, I do not know myself. However, I am going to find out for sure!


	2. Needing Some Answers

Needing Some Answers

_What can one do when he wants to laugh and smile, but only tears fall down?_

What I wanted the most, above everything else, was a loving and supporting family. That used to be the only thing I used to wish for… and that is probably the one thing that I lost…

If you are wondering whether I am an orphan, then I am not… at least not literally.

It was a long time back that I used to love being with my parents. I say, a long time, because I don't remember ever wanting that… at least now… I don't remember it…now…

For as far as I can think back, the only thing I remember is being misunderstood, cursed at and beaten by them. Yes, this has been my life for quite some time now. Crying alone in a corner of my room and trying to hide all my grief behind the mask of anger in front of my family. A bunch of lies, fake emotions and anger is what would define my image in front of them. How I wish my life to be a little different. I yearn for a life that would fill this emptiness inside me till date…

Not a single day has passed when I haven't cried because of the way I was treated. It's hard to comprehend that the one place everyone loves to return to at the end of the day, the one place they feel safe, the one place that lets them be themselves, that one place called home was just a fantasy for me…

Looking at the old photographs, seeing the little me having fun, laughing and having fun with them at my side, I wonder if all those photographs lie to me…  
How I yearned to hear them say – "I am proud of you, my child. And remember, I am always there for you…" However, I never got to. They don't understand me anymore and from sorrows grows my rage. They distanced me from themselves to a place from where I can't even see them anymore. It's lonely there…and cold….and scary…

But overtime, living with this grief of loneliness has made me used to being alone…

And so, I have created this wall around me and I don't let anyone there. I have accepted my seclusion with resignation. The only thing I want to do is run away from this place and these monsters. I don't wish for to be a part of their lives anymore.

_I want to run away from these painful and grieving memories…_

_But before that, I need some answers…  
…. answers whose absence has haunted me for so long now….  
….. Answers that can only help me accept the things the way they are…..  
..… and move on… _


End file.
